Girls and Fantasy: A Rant on How I Really Don't Understand the Twilight Saga

Everyone and their dog has ranted on the whole Twilight saga either for or against. I'm adding my unasked-for comments here.

Sooooooooooo, yeah. Being a huge nerd and all, I love fantasy works. And being a female on top of that I adore when romance is combined in a favorable way. Fantastic Romance is one of my favorite sub genres, and if done correctly it can be outstanding. Epic love stories with correct staging is great. It probably evokes that whole dynamic that my obssession with The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet has going for it: love is more powerful than the other ties that bind us. It's just another layer added on top of that. When you have immortal creatures and mere mortals falling in love the conflicts that evolve are all the more poignant. Different species works well too (human/alien, mermaid/human, etc.). So I can understand why Twilight seems appealing to women of all ages, but upon reading/watching any of it I don't understand why other people are so sucked into this crap.

First things first: I haven't read any of the books. I have tried, though. Numerous people have recommended them to me as a lover of vampire lore/fantasy/fiction/super natural, etc. So I tried. I read excerpts and almost the whole first chapter before I gave myself a headache from rolling my eyes so hard and too often. So while I'm not talking from having read the source material in question, I did see the first film (which I'll get into later) and read the entire summary on Wikipedia and related links. The eye rolling still persisted upon reading the summary for the entire series. Maybe it's a condition I need looked at?

Okay, so series creator Stephanie Meyer got the idea in a dream. That's cool, actually. Her subconscious mind came up with a scene and she ran with it. Kudos to her. Where she fails utterly is in her lack of research on any vampire/werewolf lore (which she's proud of), her lack of character development and her prose. The two main characters are in love because the vampire thinks she smells delicious. Not because he thinks that she's smart, or pretty, or insightful, or interesting in any way, but because her blood smells super-yummy to him. That's it. This is what their attraction is based on. He's pretty and she smells tasty. And you know what? It never really develops beyond that. Bella likes Edward because he's into her. That's pretty much it. Oh, and he's broody, or something. Girls like the broody boys, right? It's an unwritten rule somewhere, I'm sure.

The same conflict happens over and over again in the story which is this: Edward is attracted to Bella, Bella is attracted to Edward, Edward says they can't be together, Bella gets depressed, someone tries to kill Bella (or she tries to kill herself), Edward comes back, they end up together. That's the central conflict in all the stories. The both of them cock block themselves for arbitrary reasons and somehow death is involved. Oh, and somewhere in there is Jacob and his love-at-first-sight for an infant, which is a whole can of pedophilia that I really don't want to touch right now.

During the first movie Tony and I couldn't help but repeatedly make fun of what was going on. For half an hour in the film NOTHING HAPPENS. I'm assuming this is based on the book where Bella is whining about how boring and normal her life is with her estranged father. The following quotes ensued:

• Tony: There's something strange about that Edward Cullen fellow but I can't quite put my finger on it...
• Jill: "Hey Bella. I came over here to tell you to stay away from me. I'll see you later, okay? Oh, and you look hot in that shirt."
• Tony: Hey, don't you think there's something going on with that Edward kid? I think there's something there. I'm sure of it.
• Jill: Wow, poor Bella. Having her face paralyzed at such an early age that all she can do is look pensive...she's actually really happy right now, but we can't tell because of the paralysis. It's just so sad!
• Tony: No sweetie, it's not paralysis. See the sawdust?
• Jill: Because she's wooden?
• Tony: *nods*

Also my favorite scene, the vampire baseball scene:

• Tony: I get that the thunder masks the bat cracking sound, but wouldn't the bat break?
• Jill: Nope. It's a vampire bat.

(Yes, I made that awful pun. It was so awful it has become legendary.)

What I truly object to besides the flat, one-dimensional characters and simple plot is the portrayal of the supernatural. Vampires rule because they are a substantial mix of demigod and demon. Vampires are immortal. Vampires have to hurt humans to feed (and possibly kill them). There are always some kind of super powers involved on top of that. Not needing to breathe means that vampires don't need breath to run or move quickly, and thus super speed is born. Some vampires are really strong. Some can fly, some can hypnotize their prey, some have serious upgrades in their sensory equipment (better vision, hearing, what-have-you), etc. This makes vampires superior to humans in that they have better hardware and longer life spans. This would lead to a different morality system for vampires than that of humans. Humans become food, or at best, a pet. Living for centuries would ensure that a vampire would see humans come and go and eventually begin to stop caring about humans as individuals. Ennui would then settle in. For a human to stand out to a vampire would require one hell of a personality. Something which would appeal to dual nature of a vampire: their forgotten human side and their demonic creature-of-the-night-I -am-a-superior-being side. That's why the human/vampire relationship can work. It's the duality of the nature of the vampire and which side the human inspires more. Also what the vampire inspires in the human, but that's to a lesser extent.

This is why I don't understand how Twilight is so popular. Bella is more boring than dry toast. Edward is a goody-two shoes who sparkles. There's no real conflict. Nothing. Why do people care? Did Stephanie Meyer sell her soul to the devil? And if so, why didn't she write about that!? That's a great story! A take on Faust...hmmmm...a modern day Faust...now that has potential...